Good Neighbors

When we lived in West Virginia we were blessed with two wonderful neighbors next door, Donna and Julia.

They rejoiced with us when, after years of waiting, we were finally matched with our daughter, and we toasted in their kitchen.

They welcomed us back from our adoption trip with a big basket of groceries and goodies.

They warned us when a particularly lax babysitter let our toddler get too close to the road.

They were neighbors and friends in the truest sense.

They have a wonderful, loving relationship and have been together for years. I’ve never asked them if they’d like to get married. But like every other couple who love each other, I believe they should have that option.

It is already illegal for same sex couples to marry in North Carolina. But there is a movement to codify that as part of the constitution. In 1875 North Carolina last elected to amend the constitution on marriage.

This is a shameful part of North Carolina's history and one that I hope we will not emmulate 137 years later.

Marriage is already illegal for gay and lesbian couples, who, like the rest of us, just want to have the freedom to be together and raise our families. Amendment One would further hurt those it intends to, as well as countless others. 

I have listed just a few of the ways Amendment One could harm gay and straight North Carolinians from children to seniors. See http://www.protectncfamilies.org/content/get-informed where I excertped this information, for more details:

1) A child of an unmarried parent could lose their health care and prescription drug coverage, putting the child’s health at risk.

2) A child could be taken away from a committed parent who has loved them their entire life if something happens to the other parent.

3) It could threaten existing child custody and visitation rights that are designed to protect the best interests of a child.

4) It would prohibit North Carolina from ever recognizing civil unions and domestic partnerships-- legal protections that thousands of North Carolinians rely on.

5) It would interfere with protections for unmarried couples to visit one another in the hospital and to make emergency medical and financial decisions if one partner is incapacitated.

6) Amendment One could take away domestic violence protections for all unmarried women.

7) A single or widowed senior couple could be forced to marry to keep their legal protections, which would cause them to lose benefits such as pensions, health care, and social security.

As a Christian, I'm encouraged that faith leaders across the state have banded together to oppose this movement, which could harm so many. 

Welcome Home, a support and discussion group on LGBT issues sponsored in part by Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church is holding an informational session on Amendment One at First Presbyterian Church (Asheville) Monday, April 23rd at 7:00 p.m.

Donna and Julia don't live in North Carolina, but a lot of other wonderful people who would be adversely impacted by Amendment One call North Carolina home. On May 8th I will have the opportunity to be a good neighbor to all North Carolinians by voting against Amendment One. I hope you will join me. 

Hospitality Over Hate

On a recent episode of Finding Your Roots, Henry Louis Gates mentioned that free blacks in the 1830’s in New Orleans had to carry papers to prove they were free. While it’s not especially shocking that was the case then, it is shocking to me that 180 years later that is becoming more and more the case for many immigrant—and non-immigrant—Hispanics in certain sectors of our country.  

As an Alabama native who has lived around the country, I have gotten a variety of reactions when talking about my birthplace, most of them negative. Sadly, rather than being known for its Southern hospitality, Alabama holds a special spot of disdain for many who know it only as a place of racial prejudice and hatred. I have felt the need to point out the good in my home state many times, even to other Southerners.

Arizona’s debut of the recent crop of harsh immigration laws shows this is not a uniquely Southern phenomenon. Yet Alabama seems driven to out-do Arizona, with the passage of its own discriminatory law, HB 56, in June of 2011.

As a Christian, I’m pleased to see an ecumenical group of religious leaders speaking out to oppose HB 56, the legal attack on immigrants in Alabama.

The ad, which is being aired in Montgomery in hopes of reaching Alabama’s legislators, features Rev. Steve Jones, a pastor of Southside Baptist Church in Birmingham saying “Under Alabama’s immigration law we could be prosecuted for following God’s call to be good Samaritans. Farmers’ crops are rotting in the field because there aren’t enough workers for the harvest. Teachers are forced to act like immigration agents instead of educators….”

I don’t understand the hatred some Americans seem to have for immigrants, legal or illegal. The hypocrisy of this is amazing since only our Native American brothers and sisters can truly avoid the label immigrant.

And more to the point, how can you claim to cherish American ideals and not have empathy for those who were born in a country without the freedom we cherish, or the opportunity for prosperity that freedom represents? And how can you risk those two cornerstones of American culture by turning your back on others in need?

Hearings are slated to begin on Wednesday for an amendment to the bill (HB 658), and many are concerned that the proposal will make it even more restrictive and discriminatory. My fervent hope is that the leaders of Alabama will take this opportunity to reinstate hospitality over hate, by standing up for the rights of all people.

Producer is Afraid Female-Centered Films will Take Over Box Office

Producer Chris Moore has been arguing with fans on facebook in an attempt to get more people to buy tickets to the latest installment in the American Pie franchise.

He says “I do not want teen age girls owning the boxoffice. No ofense [sic] to them, I am rasing [sic] a beautiful one myself, but if the only movies that make any dough are twilight and hunger games than that is all you are going to see ....”

The man has a teenage daughter, and still apparently doesn’t care about the lack of films that portray women in a positive light. I hope he will take his daughter to see Hunger Games, and rejoice with her that this rare film offers a strong, young female lead, and a plot driven by survival over romance. Heaven forbid that teenage girls (and boys) are subjected to movies with engaging female characters!

Anita Sarkeesian is a feminist pop culture media critic whose video column, Feminist Frequency, Conversations with Pop Culture addresses just this issue in a wonderful piece on the 2011 Academy Award nominees for Best Picture.

Sarkeesian uses the Bechdel test, a concept conceived by comic writer Alison Bechdel to satirize the lack of significant female characters in film by using ridiculously low measures to determine the relevance of female characters to a movie plot.  

According to Sarkeesian, the Bechdel test has three requirements:

1.  The movie must have 2 (or more) female characters. 
2. Who have names.
3. And who talk to each other-- about something other than a man.

By this measure, only 2 (The Descendents and The Help) of the nine best pictures nominees in 2011 passed the Bechdel test, and 2 others received questionable passes because the encounters are so brief—5 and 11 seconds for Hugo and Midnight in Paris respectively. As Sarkeesian points out, the Bechdel test sets the bar embarrassingly low for women in film, and the vast majority of movies still fail.

Mr. Moore, I recently viewed the documentary Miss Representation about the damage caused by the under and misrepresentation of women in the media.  Hollywood is geared to the American Pie franchise’s target audience of young men. You really don’t have to worry about studios not funding the films that seem to be your bread and butter.

What you do need to worry about is the way your daughter (and all young women and men) are taught by the media to view and treat women.

Mr. Moore, I implore you to do three things:

1. Watch the clip referenced above about the Bechdel test.
2. Take your daughter to see Miss Representation. And talk with her about the way women are minimized by the media.
3. Take your daughter to see The Hunger Games.

And while you're there, buy the kid some popcorn, and sit back and enjoy a movie that centers around a strong, female character. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised that there are enough explosions to satisfy even your demographic.

On Mother's Day

I am fortunate to have a very loving, dedicated mother. Yet for many years Mother's Day was painful for me as we went down the long path that eventually united us with Petunia.

So today, even as I relish Petunia's excitement in all her Mother's Day plans and secrets, and am beyond thankful that this amazing little girl is my daughter, I remember those who find this a difficult day.

For years we skipped church on Mother's Day because church has a way of bringing out my emotions, and they were just too close to the surface as we dreamed and worked towards becoming parents. So on this day I will always think of those who want to be mothers but are not.

I also remember those who have lost their mothers or their children. Amp and I shared stories with Petunia about her namesake grandmother this morning over breakfast. This day will always be tinged with sadness for Amp, his siblings, his father, and all who loved her, even as we remember what a wonderful mother she was. Her four children serve as a testament of her love and dedication to them.

Sadly, there are many people who do not have the joy of a loving relationship with their mothers. And there are those separated by tragic circumstance from their children. On this day I think of them.

For all who find this a painful day for whatever reason, I pray that you will find comfort and peace.

Catherine Zeta-Jones and the Human Condition

Catherine Zeta-Jones is my new hero. And not for any movie role she’s played. Certainly not for looking glamorous on the red carpet, though she does.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is my new hero for putting a face on bipolar disorder. And for being brave enough to admit that though she lives in Hollywood, her life isn’t perfect.

A new friend recently shared some news about a struggle her family is going through. I really admire her refusal to be held hostage by the situation.  Instead, she took control, in effect saying “Yes, this is happening. And no, it doesn’t define us.”

René Magritte, La Condition Humaine,  1933

Image Source: www.nga.gov

Wouldn’t it make it easier for all of us to cope with our own problems if we didn’t try to keep our difficulties private, but acknowledge that these challenges are part of the human condition?

Reframing

One of the useful holdovers from my counseling days is reframing—looking at a situation that might seem negative at first, and finding a positive way to perceive it.

 Image Source: www.framecityandgallery.com

So the fact that I’m underemployed can be reframed as . . . .me being fortunate to have a very flexible schedule.

We live in a small house which can sometimes be tough, especially since we’ve downsized, but . . . .we’ve reduced our carbon footprint—and utility bills.

Plus, buying this small house allows us to be in a walkable neighborhood near great restaurants, stores, and Petunia’s school.

Being on a budget is . . . .teaching Petunia about making responsible choices.

Petunia’s strong opinions about what she wears is not a plan to make her parents late and push us to our limits, but . . . .means that she:

a)      has her own sense of style

b)      is discerning

c)      is not afraid to use her voice

d)      is strong-willed

e)      all of the above

f)       other

I would love to hear some of the positive reframes that help you embrace your current circumstances. Also, please give me your opinion on how best to reframe Petunia's strong opinions on clothing!

Things Jesus Would Have Explicitly Spelled Out If He’d Realized How Dense We Are

We had a visit from some dear friends from West Virginia last week. They are an incredibly kind family of six who welcomed us with open arms when we moved to West Virginia. The mom hosted a baby shower for Petunia and she never fails to remember our forever family day. Her youngest child was Petunia’s first friend, and we joke that they’ll marry someday.  (Well, they joke, and I plan.)

She and her husband met because they both went to mass every day. In their small town, they were the only two young single folks there daily and gradually she noticed that he was sitting closer and closer to her day by day. Isn’t that a sweet story?

These are the kind of folks who have one car—by choice. They used to have two, but they knew someone who really needed one and they decided they could get by with one, so they gave one of their cars away. They’re also the kind of folks who always have a full house on Easter, and who routinely take in other families to help them through a tough spot.

They’re also folks who make it to church every week without fail. I don’t think the two practices necessarily have to go hand in hand, but I suspect these two behaviors support each other. As their eight-year-old son explained to me when they visited, “Jesus said if you can’t go to church on Sunday, go on Saturday,” which is why I’m rooting for a Saturday service to be added to my church.

I’m afraid that book is missing from my Bible, but I love that this family is so absolutely committed to their faith. Church is an important part of our lives, but I’ll admit there are times we just don’t make it.

I’m pretty sure that missing book of the Bible must be the one called “Things Jesus Would Have Explicitly Spelled Out If He’d Realized How Dense We Are.”  And I’m pretty sure a lot of the content would be very relevant to me.

Since I don’t have that book I remain thankful that we have been blessed with so many living examples of God’s love.